Being Seen

We all want it… to be seen, that is. And when we aren’t, it can drive a wedge between friends and lovers in a flash.

But it can heal us too. Even years later, being seen can heal us in ways we never knew we needed.

“Now that I’m married, I get it,” one of my kids’ old football coaches said. We’d run into each other while shopping. I first recognized his wife, that sense of familiarity growing as I approached the cash register, standing behind her and her husband, awaiting my turn.

“I know you,” the husband said, turning to me. “Bengals Football. I coached your sons. You had two, right?” he asked.

“Yes, two boys. I know you too,” I said. “Remind me of your name?”

He gave it and recognition grew, warmly. He was in his early twenties when he coached my sons, just a kid himself, honing his considerable skills as a leader. I think he learned more than he’d bargained for, as coaching kids, he also had to work with their parents. He’d been witness to the chaos that I was riding in those early years of what I call my “divorce recovery.” Co-parenting with my ex-husband as best we could, it was a bumpy time for us all, and this young coach was along for the ride.

“I’m sorry for what you went through. I’ve got three kids of my own and I just can’t imagine…” he said as he trailed off, finishing his heart-felt but slightly awkward offering.

“Thanks for that,” I said, smiling, the warmth of his compassion spreading in my chest. “Thank you for seeing me all these years later,” I said, locking eyes and sending sincere appreciation to him for his kindness. He didn’t have to say that, we could have talked about so many other things... the weather, football, coaching... but instead, his kindness touched my heart.

It's funny, you never know what others see from the outside of your life. You only know what it felt like on the inside - vulnerable, sad, unsteady, determined - all feelings that are now a distant memory.

I didn't know that I needed recognition, still, nearly a decade later, with so much having changed in my life.

We checked in on my boys, now men themselves, and I asked after his kids, an 8-year-old boy and a set of 6-year-old twin girls. And then, we parted ways, them off to a wedding, and me back to my home.

We all want to be seen. It is a universal need of every human being and an easy gift we can give each other without spending a dime.

My ex-husband and I are now cordial; we send each other birthday wishes, and condolences when life throws us a curveball. While not friends exactly, we’re not strangers either, and in that, I harbour a small pride.

In this moment of serendipity, I’m reminded of just how far I’ve come these last twenty years. And I feel gratitude, for all of it.