At middle age, it’s a good idea to spread your wings, to stretch yourself and remember who you can be when you’re not confined in the life you’ve built. This fall, I took myself to Italy (Tuscany) on a writer’s retreat, followed by a week’s vacation with my husband to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary.
I’m now back from my trip, and we had a lovely time. No, not everything was as I’d hoped it would be; but most of it was, and on balance, that’s pretty good.
The Tuscan sunsets were more beautiful that I could have imagined: the distant hills purple-hued at dusk; the fields at their feet rolling and overflowing with plenty – olive trees, grape vines, orchards full of every stone fruit you can name, white truffles underground waiting to be dug up, recently harvested wheat fields now golden brown and resting… Truly a land of plenty.
Each walled-city we explored was more impressive than the previous: medieval architecture intermingled with Renaissance design, lighter more graceful spires reaching for the heavens, replacing the dark, stable but heavy buildings of the ancient past.
Everywhere we ate the food was great – in fact, the best sandwich I had was at an Esso gas station along the highway. Slivers of crunchy pork skin, and lightly herbed pork shoulder roast sliced thickly and placed on a fresh ciabatta bun, washed down with an espresso from the full-service bar in this gas station – man, the Italians know how to eat well!
Despite all the rumors to the contrary, driving in Italy was a blast! Bruce and I rented a cute, wee Fiat Panda. This hybrid, six-speed manual car is smaller than our own Honda Fit but lots more fun to drive! We zipped around the Italian countryside, on roads barely wide enough for two Fiats to pass side-by-side, bobbing and swerving around switch backs, up and down the sides of hills. It was a hoot!
So, the vacation part of my trip was fun fun fun!
However, the first week, before Bruce arrived, was where the challenging stuff happened and my expectations got snuffed. I posted a few soundscapes of my time on retreat on my podcast, including this one, which inadvertently underlined the need to hold my own expectations loosely.
If you think that covid is done with us, try going to a group event, where not enough care is taken in the contingency planning department, and you’ll second-guess yourself.
In our case, there were two writing retreats back-to-back. Half the people in the first week fell sick, exposing our teachers, who also fell sick by the time we, the second group of retreaters, arrived. “Allergies and sniffles” proved to be covid.
Sadly, we were not informed before we arrived of anything that had happened in the first week. A heads up at least was warranted so that those who wanted to could have cancelled their trip, triggering the travel insurance we were all required to purchase.
As a result, we studied by zoom, and sat together in a big classroom in a desperate attempt to have some kind of group teaching experience. Wifi in a 500+ year old building during inclement weather was less than reliable. Our poor teachers were sick as can be. The logistics of the workshops were haphazard, making learning difficult, and our retreat organizer was no help.
Caught in a lurch, I took it upon myself to facilitate the space in our room to ensure the tech worked well, and people could interact effectively through the computer in the large, but beautiful, and echoey room. This split attention did get in the way of my own experience, truth be told. I have asked the retreat organizer for a small honorarium to compensate me for my efforts over three days and was told that I was "not contracted" to facilitate, in fact it was "my choice," so no compensation will be given.
Indeed, it was my choice to step in and try and salvage a positive experience from the whole thing. And I would do it again if in the same situation. We all do make choices in life, and I’m happy with this one. My classmates have been full-throated in their thanks, as were the teachers. Their thanks will have to be enough. For their part, the teachers are setting up make-up sessions in the months to come; that part will be made as whole as can be. I am grateful for their understanding and effort.
All that aside, I did learn a few things in my week studying with everyone. I notice the difference in my writing from before and after, and that’s no small feat. I met some lovely people, and now have far-flung friends in Australia, Vietnam, the UK, and closer to home too. And I reminded myself that I can spread my wings and do things on my own occasionally, which also feels kinda wonderful.
I did not let my expectations get in the way of the experience I did have: excellent food, great people (the Fattoria staff were so very lovely, as were my classmates), shared experiences of a beautiful place… there was a lot of good in it all.
And in writing to the organizer of the retreat in defense of my efforts managing logistics in the room, even when met with a firm “no” I am reminded of the good feeling that comes from sticking up for myself. A skill I have needed to practice all my life.
As I contemplate how my expectations were met (or not), I am reminded that we can only hold on to what we have, not what we expect to have. It’s a good thing to keep in mind both when I travel, and in my life at home.
Roll with the experience, pivot as needed, and enjoy the ride!
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